Top three things

The last few weeks have been a little rough.  We touched down after a whole year of travelling the globe and planted ourselves in Tom’s home – New Zealand. After being on the go constantly, and with strict timeframes and deliverables, I’ve found it hard to slow down. I’ve also found it hard to switch off, and sleep has often escaped me, and lately so has my confidence…

Since a very young age, I’ve struggled with confidence and self acceptance. I was bullied a lot as a child, teenager and adult, and I learnt early on to survive by being agreeable or doing whatever I could to please. My low self esteem and deep sadness were cloaked  in self-depreciating jokes, the need to please others and being a pushover. I’d give away anything anyone wanted; I’d spend all my money to please boyfriends, friends, family – splashing out on gifts I’d in no way be able to afford. I’d sympathise with stupidity, listen to untrue rumours, and agree with the most outrageous opinions. Often, when I’d begin a conversation or anecdote, people would tune out or look away; and I’d be left feeling that what I had to say was unworthy. I felt unworthy.

And I struggle still. Memories of the past are hard to dampen, and sometimes something will happen and those feelings will reemerge. It’s tricky to write about, because vulnerability is at it’s core a hard thing to express. But as was mentioned in my previous article; I hope these Truths act as a comfort to others, or simply an acknowledgement of a feeling many of us have. Maybe someone you know struggles, and maybe this could make you listen a little better, or hug a little tighter.

Every night, for the last little while, my partner Tom has made me say my top three things that I loved from my day. Since we got back and I’ve been a little low, he’s also been making me say – out loud – two physical things I love about myself. This was hard for me. Really, really hard. And it upset me that I couldn’t easily say anything I adored about myself. But eventually I did, and it helped. And it’s so crazy that in a society where we have access to everything and can gain knowledge about pretty much anything, so many of us just can’t love ourselves. It’s bullshit. And it’s time for a change. And if I want my existence to encourage any kind of positivity in people and/or the planet, then I need to lead by example. So with that:

My top three things today:

Swimming in the ocean

The lady at the bookstore giving me a free book

Tickling Tom so much he farted

Two things I love about myself:

My uneven B-cups

My eyebrows